wicked_aLMa_bOo

I do not trust anyone. That’s been my favorite line since two girlfriends left me several years ago. They suck, as in they really suck. Tanga nga nung una eh. Nung iniwan niya kasi ako, ordinary office employee lang ako but now, im already running my own manpower services company specializing syempre in BPO’s (yun ang malakas ang kita eh) but the bottom line is, iniwan niya pa rin ako. Yung pangalawa naman, ok na sana kaso may plano din palang sumibat papuntang ibang bansa kaya ako na yung nakipaghiwalay. Despite of that, I still have to live with the fact na I’m getting older and I have to accept na tumatandang binata na ko. Who cares? Ang saya saya ng buhay eh. Pag binata ka, lahat pwede mong gawin. Nandiyang mambabae ka, magpakasaya sa beer house, tumingin sa kung sino sinong girls, maglasing, bumarkada kahit kanino, maglaro ng kung anu-ano, kumain ng sandamakmak, basta ang dami. Just always keep in mind that you should always be safe lang…as in always. Mahirap na. Baka kasi mamaya, sandaling kaligayahan, habambuhay mong pagsisisihan!

Pero ang tanong lang, masaya ba naman ako sa mga kalokohang yun??? EWAN!

No matter where life takes me, still, I was once a loser when the first girl na talagang minahal ko just disappeared. Hhhhaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy. Kakalungkot. I don’t have any idea kung nasaan na siya. Some rumors say that she already had 2 kids while others claim that she already left the country. Basta kung ano man ang nangyari sa kanya, I still wish the best of everything for her. Pero siyempre, tanga pa rin siya and tang ina pa rin niya kasi iniwan niya ko.

Way back, bank clerk lang ako ng isang chipipay na bangko nung girlfriend ko pa si Alma. Cute siya, teary eyed with long eyelashes (my weakness), morena and what I liked about her the most is yung pagiging cool niya. Kasama ko siya kahit saang lakad ko and mind you, even on the most extreme high times of my life, we’re together. Gano’n kami ka-inlove dati (tang-ina ang baduy). We met on a gig in Supremo Bar in Makati (sarado na ngayon). While I was performing, nakita ko siya on a dark corner and as I finished my set, I crazily asked her: Hi Madam, are you alone? She answered back and told me, YES… And that was the start of it. We became so close kasi sobrang pareho kami ng gusto. That includes, mountain/ rock climbing, snorkeling, sunrise/sunset by the shore, ang kumain ng kung anu-anong klaseng pagkain, staring at the full moon and the most important is that we both share the same sentiment that “no matter how busy your life gets, don’t ever forget to PRAY”. Bait noh? Hindi ko nga maisip na ganoon ako dati eh.

After being together for almost a year, she just disappeared. As in without a single trace of her was found. No short talks, no goodbyes, nothing to argue about basta bigla na lang talagang naglaho and ang masakit pa nun, hindi ko alam kung ano talaga yung dahilan. Ang galing nga eh, pati mga relatives niya bigla din lahat nagsiwala. Para silang pamilya ng mga multo.

I tried to comfort myself thinking positively that she’s also hurting, that she’s also longing for me and that she also cries every full moon. But it never worked out. Ang masakit nun, I was left hanging and I longed for her more than the time we’ve been together. I even gave up my chipipay banking career because I screwed up on everything just because she’s gone.

One day, I’ve finally decided to move on. Parang napagod na mga yung mata ko sa pag-iyak, nagsawa na yung tenga ko sa pagsesenti and my heart finally got numb because of the pain that I’ve had. Dun ko naging favorite yung song ng Bread na “Find Me”… Especially yung line na “ “Find me, look hard and don’t stop, I’ll be waiting ‘til then”. (tang-ina ang baduy #2).

From then on, I’ve changed. That was the time when I felt that I should never trust anyone again. And since I won’t trust anyone, hindi na rin ako magmamahal. I’d rather go for flings instead. Kaka-trauma kasi yung nangyari sakin eh. In short, nagbago akong bigla. Dun na rin nagkaroon ng direksyon ang buhay ko.

I’ve been an employee of one of the biggest international BPOs here in Pinas. Though I don’t have any Psychology, HR or Recruitment background (Advertising kasi ako), sa kagustuhan ko lang magkatrabaho noon, nag-apply ako sa kahit anong vacancy na meron sila, basta hindi lang agent. Luckily, I was hired as an encoder of their recruitment. I was thinking twice pa dati if I’ll accept the job kasi nga, dati na kong clerk tapos encoder naman ngayon. But since I need money, tinanggap ko ng yung offer ng piki-mata. Ahehe.

As I accepted the job, I had dreams that I shouldn’t be staying with that same position for long. In months, I will prove myself and be on higher grounds. If not, magbabanda na lang ako, magpapaka adik at pipilitin naming sumikat. But shortly after two months, I was assigned to be an initial interviewer. Doon ko naisip na may talento pala ko and hindi ako maiiwan sa Inglesan. I was named as “berdugo” during my initial interviewer times (ang dami ko kasing binabagsak). What can I do? Alangan naman paabuitn ko pa yun sa Final Interview eh alam ko na ngang sablay. Got my point?

Being an interviewer is a very noble profession. You get the chance to encounter a lot of people but you should also have a non-emotional attitude kasi it would greatly affect you should you fail someone older or, PRETTY.

During my interview days ko na meet si Katez. She’s very smart and may pagka utak aktibista. She passed my interview and went on until she became an employee of our company as agent. Without commitment, we used to hang-out, spend the night together, share our activist insights and smoke. It was so nice to spend time with her, mabilis ang oras and kakaiba.

After a month, I introduced her to my beautiful best bud, my supervisor, Klang. I was surprised to know that they’ve been bestfriends way back in high school pala. Feeling ko nun, isa akong anghel na nagbuklod ng dalawang taong matagal nang pinaghiwalay ng nakalilimot na tadhana (lalim no’n).

From then on, tatlo na kaming lumalabas-labas. Tatlo na kaming umuuwing lasing at tatlo na kaming makukulit na pakalat-kalat sa lansangan. One long weekend, we decided to go out of town. We went to Galera had our usual drinking session. Akalain mo ba namang kaming tatlo ay naparami ng inom kaya wala kaming nagawa kundi ang tanggapain ang tama ng nakalalasing na alak. Sa sobrang kalasingan, nakaidlip ako and I was surprised to hear them in a somewhat deep conversation until parang nagtatalo na sila kaya napabangon akong bigla. Since tatlo lang kami, I mediated. Tugug!!! Bigla akong binatukan ni Katez.

“Kung alam ko lang na ganito, sana hindi mo na sana ulit kami pinag-meet.”

“Why? Ano ba kasi nangyari?

“Wala! It’s just that your bitchy supervisor is trying to get you from me… The hell!”

(So surprised but flattered) “Klang, is that true?”

*Ang problema kasi sayo, mula nung na-meet mo yang babaeng ‘yan eh nagbago ka na. Before, we used to eat lunch, have our coffee breaks and smoke together. Hinahatid pa kita malapit sa inyo almost everyday but now, hindi na! It’s always Katez, Katez and Katez! Now tell me, ano ba meron sa kanya? Answer me!*

Tang ina ang pogi ko nung mga panahon na yun . Akalain mong is asa mga pantasya sa opisina eh may tama pala sakin tapos may seksing agent pa. Pero siyempre, medyo seryoso na yung ganung bagay so I told them to settle this pag matino na and hindi na kami lasing. Ang gulo! Ayoko nang ganito and I never treated neither one of them as my girl. Ayoko nga ng commitment diba? So we slept over the problem and planned to settle it the morning after. Natulog kaming tatlo nang pare-parehong magulo ang utak.

That morning, walang nagsasalita dun sa dalawa. As in nakakabingi yung katahimikan. I prepared breakfast and pretended that nothing happened that night pero hindi namin talaga maitago na may sikretong nabunyag nung gabi. As I promised to settle things up, I’ve managed to convince them na wala pa kong planong magka-girlfriend as of the moment and if they won’t believe, I’ll spoil our trip and just leave. It took them more than an hour bago ulit sila ngumiti and finally talked to each other. (Wala naman kasi silang magagawa kasi hawak ko yung budget namin)

In order for me to break the glitch, I invited them to go snorkeling and island hopping. Good thing, they agreed. So there, having our beach apparels, para ‘kong tumama sa lotto. Bakit? Kasi si Klang, parang walang anak, si Katez naman, akala mo may anak na sa laki ng balakang (the curves) Both of them were sexy. It’s just that Katez was really sexier (masyado nang masama ang iniisip ko, tama na). We spent the day under the sun going to several islands, dipping, eating, tanning and the good thing there is, wala nang inom, wala pang away.

As I saw them happy again (na parang walang nangyari nung gabi), I came to realize our situation. Klang happens to be responsible, caring, thoughtful, and has the looks…(added bonus) but already has a son from a failed relationship. Katez, on the other hand seems to be cool, sweet, down to earth, independent woman and with a really great body but I’m more afraid to love her because the scenario of being left behind (again) comes back evrerytime we talk about love and how serious it is.

I can’t stay like this for long. Hindi ako pwedeng mamangka sa dalawang ilog. I know I have to make a decision. A decision which I shouldn’t regret in time. Downside lang is that the fear of being a loser (yung maiwan ulit) still strikes me. I m not ready to love nor to trust anyone right now!

Sunset came so we headed back to our room. Pretending to be cool and nothing’s bothering me, I asked them for a round of booze, but not actually getting drunk, just to get tipsy which they in trurn agreed. The night had been so serious. Halos hindi kami nagsasalitang tatlo. We’re just pre-occupied by the (senti) background music.

Suddenly, my favorite former baduy song played. Man, I was struck. Akalain mong pinaalala na naman ang mapait kong karanasan. Kabwiset! Because of that, nawala ako sa mood. I asked them if I could sleep already coz I’m kinda tired. Pinayagan naman nila ako. They will just finish another round and will be sleeping na rin in a while.

Almost half asleep, I suddenly felt that someone laid beside me. It was Klang. She hugged me so tight, gave me a kiss and said the sweetest “Thank YOU” that I could ever receive. Man, I almost burst into tears. Noon ko lang kasi ulit naramdaman that I still have a purpose. That I’m still special and that someone can still love me despite of my upset. And as the night seduces, I almost freaked-out trying to control my urge (alam mo na, iba na yung dating nung yakap niya eh). But I just don’t want to be unfair kay Katez kaya ako na yung tumayo and lumipat ng pwesto hanggang lumipas na yung gabi.

As we were about to board, I can’t seem to hide how happy I have been on our short trip. “I should already decide who is who just for me to play a fair game. Ang hirap nung situation because for sure, may masasaktan but rather than me getting hurt in the future, kailangan ko naring mag-isip and magdecide.

Sobrang nasesenti ako nun pag-uwi ko kaya nagkulong lang ako sa kwarto. I have to admit that eventhough Klang has a son, I’ve known her longer compared to Katez. In other words, mas matimbang siya. While I was on the bridge of pagiging emotional, nag ring yung phone ko and saw Katez was calling.

So iyon, nag-usap kami ng babaran and Katez told me how much she cares and how slowly she’s falling. Given the situation, I also admit that Katez is very special to me. We have a lot of things in common and losing her now could also lead me to melancholy but because of her being independent, ayokong maging judgemental though I really doubt her sincerity to love.

Isang araw, Klang asked me to be in her office together with other supervisors and bosses. Kinakabahan pa ko nung una but she just told me to relax and so I did. Akalain mong binigyan ako ng promotion. I was promoted as Recruitment officer, 6 months after Klang and I first met. She told me that it was part of her gift daw. Ano yun? Gamitan ng kapangyarihan? Whatta sad way to get promoted.  hindi ako masaya. From the very start of my employment pa lang, what I want is to prove myself in this battle ground. Im doing everything para hindi ako masilip nung iba and yet, yun yung reason na gagamitin niya just for me to achieve my goal. NEVER! I really hate what she did kahit na sabihin pa niyang it’s for my own good. That said move really affected me.

After several days of heartfelt thinking, I’ve decided to love Katez. I told her that I would want someone to stay beside me til I die at hindi yung taong mang-iiwan din pag gusto na niya. Katez promised me that and told me that she will be there to support and guide me through thick and thin…kahit sa harap pa ni Klang. Because of that kinda forbidden intimacy with Klang, I had no other choice but to resign from that BPO company. What will happen tomorrow is of course, a big question mark.

We (Me & Katez) started just fine. She’s so sweet and wala yatang oras sa buhay ko na hindi siya nangumusta. We always go into different places & explore. She loves the beach so much and so do I kaya sobrang magkasundo kaming dalawa and ang masaya pa dun, we’ve managed to minimize our being alcoholic. We’d rather engage ourselves into extreme activities rather than to waste money with booze. Years after isolating myself, ive given up and started to love again. But trust, still hanging. I know its hard to love without the trust but kaya kong gawin eh..Basta kaya ko lang.

Because of me being jobless for several months already, she gave me the idea to open up a manpower services business. Her reason? Not that much capital. As long as you have the network and a lot of guts, it will work. Good idea! So I did, since I already have a background in human resources and a lot of creative guts because of advertising.

I had a hard time at first but because of Katez’ never dying urge to help me succeed, it slowly paid-off until it grows, grows and grows. Because of its success, the thought of giving my whole trust to Katez came in. I want to marry her. Maybe I’ll just wait for the best time then have us engaged already.

Dumating ang birthday niya and and we headed for Batanes to celebrate. Siya daw ang may sagot so pumunta naman kami. Ang ganda nung place. So old school. Imagine you’re at the farthest place in the north and parang you can reach Taiwan with just a stone throw. On that same day, I also planned for our engagement as the ful moon shines. I had everything ready. Yung tanong ko na lang ang kulang.

As the moon appeared, kinakabahan na ako. Para kong high school na magtatapat sa babaeng kinamamatayan niya. Pakshet! Sobrang matatae na nga ako sa kaba eh. Hindi ko alam kung kinakabahan ako sa sasabihin ko or kinakabahan ako kasi baka now, im decided tapos bigla na naming magkaproblema. Kakapraning. Ah Basta, concentrate lang yan.

At dumating na nga ang pagkakataon. Pero bago pa man ako magsalita, sabi niya, may sasabihin daw siyang importante …

“You know how much I love you, right?”

*Uh huh.*

“See, I know that we’ve been so in love. And sobrang masaya ako for us. I’ve never felt this happy kasi before and I’m so thankful dahil ikaw ang binigay ni God sakin.”

*Katez, be honest, what do you want to say?*

“Hun, please understand me and as much as possible, please don’t get mad. Just promise that you’ll try your best to take this positively.”

(Tang-ina natatakot na naman ako…but I have no other choice) *Ok, I’ll try my best not to. Then what?*

“Hun, my family, kasama na ko will be moving to Canada already. And the possibility of staying there for good is an opportunity that they would not want to miss.”

Tang-ina, hindi ako makapag-react dun sa sinabi niya. Sobrang natahimik ako. I’ve been thinking twice about her before kasi nga baka iwan niya rin ako and then, eto na nga. WOW! That time I want to hurt myself. Maiiwan na naman kasi ako. I’d be a loser again!!! Fuck my world man!!!. After that, hindi na ko nagsalita. I just told her to leave me muna along the beach, gusto kong mapag-isa. I want to reflect. I want to know what’s wrong with my fucking decision-making. That time, i felt that ive been living in a world were no one is true. That everybody is a liar. That everyone will leave and that nobody deserves my TRUST.

Acting so much bitter over life, I broke-up even before she flew to Canada. I cried so hard for the second time and never really want to talk to anyone again. Booze? Of course it came back pero after office hours lang. Pero sa totoo lang, kahit sa loob ng office ko, nahahalata nilang bigo na naman ako. Wala lang sigurong may lakas ng loob na magtanong sakin. Lahat sila for sure, alam na nasasaktan ako.

Days passed and unti-unti na ‘kong nakakarecover. Hindi na nga siguro ganung kasakit for the second time. My inspiration? Yung una ngang sobrang minahal ko, nakaya kong mag-move on, sa kanya pa kaya (Ooooowwwssss???). Iniisip ko na lang, nothing is more painful than to be left behind without any good reason at all.

It was a gloomy Sunday morning nung naisip kong magsimba. It’s unusual for me kasi sobrang nakalimutan ko na yatang magdasal nung nagkapatong-patong na yung pain na dumating sakin. After the mass, I felt so relieved. Hindi mawala sa isip ko yung sinabi nung pari na “hope comes when you least expect it to”. Tama naman di ba? Bakit ka nga naman aasa kung alam mong nanjan lang…kung alam mong nanjan pa…kung alam mong nanjan siya.

Naisip ko that time na pumunta sa office to fix my things and start a bright new week. Dun na ko nag-ubos ng oras. I was able to fix my things and myself as well. For sure everyone will be surprised sa makikita nila sa office as Monday comes.

Tired but fulfilled, naisip ko nang umuwi. Biglang nag ring yung phone ko and I saw an unregistered number but still, I tried to answer. Akalain mob a naming walang sumasagot. As in walang nagsasalita. Bad trip, pagod ka na nga, pagti-tripan ka pa. As I opened the door, Katez was there. Shit!!! Hindi ako nakapagsalita. She hugged me so tight and cried her tears out. Syempre, tao lang din ako kaya napaiyak na rin. She decided to stay here na lang and would never go to Canada anymore.

By that time, na-realize ko how much she loves me. She gave up an opportunity na matagal nang hinihintay ng family niya for her. She can’t stop crying and paulit-ulit niyang sinabi sakin that she loves me so much and losing me will just ruin her life. How sweeeeeeeeeeeeeettttt!!!!!!!!!!!!! Poging pogi na naman ang pakiramdam ko. I brought her to my unit and spent the night there. It was a very deep and zealous come back. A night na ayaw mo ng matapos. Dun ko naisip that we both deserve each other.

I love her and our engagement happened (Sa wakas, natuloy din). I already asked her to marry me. In less than 3 months, we’re getting married.

My life continued smoothly. Everything went out fine. I’ve been inspired to go to work everyday. Ok na sana lahat but suddenly my operations manager expressed her intent of resigning. Shux! Sa laki ng role na ginagamapanan niya sa company, siguradong malaking problema. I immediately called my colleagues asking if they can refer someone as better as my Ops Man pero wala silang mabigay. Postings were made to different sites and prints for my anticipated vacancy. A lead time of one month was given. I instructed my employees to screen every CV very carefully and give me the 3 best candidates for this post.

Kainis! Imbes na kasal nalang ang pinagpaplanuhan ko, nadagdagan pa. I never planned to move our marriage though but I asked her to do the planning for our great day and will attend to it a hundred percent as soon as our operations go back to normal. Buti na lang madiskarte rin siya.

A week after and I called for an emergency meeting. I asked them of the three best shortlists for this critical post. Two out of three gave their highest recommendation to someone who had an extensive work experience in California handling the same post in a well known contact center. The envelope was sealed and all of them agreed to have it just for my eyes only to prevent issues and influences.

Sobrang excited ako dun sa binalita nila sakin. Sa wakas, nabawasan yung pressure na nararamdaman ko. As I entered the room with the envelope, I even prayed na sana, this applicant is really the ONE that’ve been looking for.

Tang-ina hindi ako makapaniwala dun sa nakita ko. Sobrang nanlambot ako, somehow freaked out and suddenly felt the tears rolling down my face. It was Alma’s CV in front of me. Hindi ko alam kung ano yung nararamdaman ko that time. I have this angst and hatred but it’s more on pain and self pitty. Biglang nagflashback lahat sa isip ko yung mga nangyari up to the very day na bigla nalang siyang nawala. Ang sakit, sobra. Hindi ko kinaya so I went out of the office and hindi ko alam kung saan ako papunta. After hours of driving, I found myself at the back of Mall of Asia. I was there seating in front of the waves in tears. I want to talk to her but I’m not sure if I can control myself pag kaharap ko na siya or kung kaya ko ba talagang harapin siya.

I spent hours thinking about the right thing to do. Nakatulala lang ako sa harap nung alon having my tears falling every once in a while. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako parang tanga na naiiyak nalang bigla at lalong hindi ko alam kung ano yung dahilan nitong lecheng pag-iyak ko. Basta ang alam ko lang, mabigat sa loob ko and nahihirapan ako. I want to isolate myself, find my soul and think kung ano ba talaga yung dapat kong gawin dahil alam ko, gusto ko siyang makita pero hindi ko alam kung tama ba.

As darkness bites, lalo akong nalungkot. I would end this day kasi nang wala na naman akong nagawa at sigurado, hanggat hindi ko nahaharap ‘tong problema ko, same situation will happen in the days to come. Hindi ako makakapagtrabaho ng maayos. I went home tired and exhausted. Kakapraning lang kasi kahit hinang-hina na ko, ayaw naman akong dapuan ng antok.

Out of nowhere, I dialled her number and halos masira yung ulirat ko nung narinig ko na yung boses niya. Imagine, after several years, ngayon ko lang ulit yun narinig.

To end up all the self-introduced paranoia, nilakasan ko na yung loob ko. I was mesmerized to hear her voice at first, stunned for a while, took a deep breath and went on. Kahit alam kong she’s qualified for the position, I failed her. I never explained any further and never gave details. Basta I just told her na lang that she failed to meet the minimum requirements and that’s it. It’s so ironic because sometimes, as life demands, I should be unprofessional for my own sake. After that, I went home.

That night, naisip kong magmuni-muni ulit. Napadpad na naman ako sa Espalanade. Halos walang tao that night so naisip ko na lang na dun maglakad lakad at mag-isip isip. It was full moon then so naisip kong tawagan si Alma but no one’s answering. Hhhhaaayyyy, lalo ko lang siyang na-miss. Lakad ulit, isip isip until…nakita ko siya. At first, I can’t believe it pero siya nga talaga and she’s alone just sitting on the other end. Nilakasan ko na yung loob ko and approached her.

“Alma… (monotone). She slowly turned around and finally, we’ve met. Without any word, we hugged each other so tight…a hug which exactly tells how much we longed for each other. She’s crying like hell and sobrang hindi siya makapagsalita. That time, gusto kong matunaw. Halos mawalan ako ng malay as I felt her hug again. We just hugged each in tears for several minutes.

As we had the chance to talk. Confessions were uttered. The first thing she said was “Chubba (tawag niya sakin when we were still together), I’m sorry”. I did not mean to leave us hanging. SORRY.

“Umalis ako kasi we had big family problem in California and we need to go there ASAP”.

*Leaving me hanging? Without any word…?*

“I tried to fight for us but Mommy prevailed. Alam niya kasi that if nagkausap tayo, their plan WILL change. They knew how much I love you and I would do anything, wag lang mapahiwalay sayo”. Our phone line was cut, my mobile phone was hidden and they even instructed yaya to never entertain anyone. I freaked out that time so they have to give me Valium. The next scenario was me inside the airplane, on our way to the States. Wala na kong nagawa kundi umiyak. I’ve been down for 3 straight months. I never want to talk to anyone. I missed you so much. Walang araw na hindi kita inisip and walang araw na hindi ako umiyak thingking of you. I’m worried because our love was left hanging”. I’m worried because I knew you’ve been wondering kung bakit ako nawala and I’m worried because I love you”.

My tears kept on falling and hindi ko alam kung pano ko magre-react. I still love her. Naitago ko lang yun for years but it’s still in me. I hate to think that I’m getting married in two months with Katez. I can feel from Alma’s hugs & tears na mahal niya pa rin ako. Dahil sobrang mahal ko pa rin siya, I pretended to be single. Sobrang saya ko when she looked at me straight in the eye while saying how much she loves me.

Because of that, nagdadahilan ako kay Katez everynight that I have dinner meetings makasama ko lang si Alma. Though I knew that our wedding is still good to go, hindi ko maitago sa sarili kong siya (Alma) pa rin ang gusto kong makasama. BUT how can I do that? How am I going to tell Alma about this? And paano si Katez just in case?

Every night that we spent was more like being in a forbidden garden with the feeling of never wanting to let go. I always want to look forward on the time kung kailan kami ulit magkikita even before kami magkahiwalay. I reached the point na sobrang magulo na talaga yung utak ko. I want to get Alma pregnant wag lang siyang mawala sakin  and dump Katez on the gentlest way that I can but the people around us for sure would go crazy and mad on my action. I prayed to God for guidance and asked for a sign.

One morning, Katez went to my house. Sobrang nagulat ako kasi hindi niya talaga normally ginagawa yun so alam ko that she’s up for something. She prepared our breakfast, gave me a hug and started talking.

“Hun, I need an honest answer. Do you still love me?”

*Katez, we’re getting married in two months. Is there a reason for me not to marry you? Or is there a reason for US not to?

“YES, there is. For one straight week, may dinner meeting ka and would go home almost morning na. Dati I would want to think that it’s your call so hindi kita dapat pigilian. Until yesterday, somebody saw you at Tagaytay…with someone. Now tell me who she is?

*(deepest breath) That’s Alma.

Upon hearing the word Alma, Katez cried so hard. As in really hard.

“ Alam kong matagal kayong hindi nagkita and there’s something unfinished between the two of you. Ano gusto mong gawin ko? Be blind? Be insensitive? Be numb? Hun, tao lang din ako..”

I’ve been speechless for minutes. Hindi ko alam if i’d be asking for space or would want to ask her to just let me go.

“If you need space & time, I’ll give it to you. Wag mo lang sana akong biglang iiwan. Just tell me if you want your freedom…i am not selfish hunney…

And just like that, she went home. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sobrang poker-faced siya nung sinasabi niya sakin yun. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya naramdaman yun. Now, I’m faced by the hardest and the most complicated situation in my life. Having to decide between them is really hard.

1) Katez: In less than two months, we’re getting married. She helped me to have this good life and sacrificed something that Alma failed to do.

2) Alma: We just met…again. And I still love her. She went back here in the Philippines to prove her love to me and her family.

To soul-search, I climbed Pico de Loro alone and spent a night there. Dun ako nakapag-isip ng malalim and nakapagreflect ng maayos. Iv’e weighed the situation and prayed na sana after this, the decision that I’m about to make is not something that I won’t regret in time nor for the rest of my life.

Never minding the exhaustion, I went to Alma the night that I reached the city. I’m already decided and ready to face the consequences. As she opened the door, sobrang bigat na ng nararamdaman ko.

“Mah, I have to confess something. (by then I was kinda shaking)”.

*And it’s about what?*

“I love you…but there is something in me that you need to know”.

*Good or Bad?*

“I don’t know. But please promise me that you’ll treasure the second time that we’ve been together much more that how you’ve treasured our first. I love you so much and hindi yun nagbago. Ang tagal kong naghintay para sating dalawa. I hate to say that I’m getting married… The moment na nakita ko yung CV mo applying for that post, I was strucked but there was this unexplained instinct to meet you but I controlled myself. I chose not to kasi nga, I’m getting married. I knew that seeing you even just once can change everything. But reality bites. Nagkita pa rin tayo unexpectedly and seeing you gave me both happiness & sorrow. Masaya kasi nga it’s still you, the same person that I loved but also in sorrow because of the fact na baka ako naman ang mawala. Why is time so against us? Bakit ngayon lang? Bakit ngayon pa? Bakit mahal pa rin kita?

*(In tears she said) You know… I went back here without any idea if I can see you again. Kahit sobrang hindi ko alam kung pano kita mahahanap, I took the risk. Gusto kong umasa that we will still be together but I’ve also prepared myself to face kung ano man yung naging buhay mo nung nagkahiwalay tayo. Handa ako, whatever destiny slaps me, once we crossed each other’s path. Now, nagkita na tayo & nagkasama in a while. You just don’t know how much you’ve made me happy and fulfilled. I love you so much & sana you can feel it. Even if I die this very moment, masaya na ako. Napasaya mo na ko ng sobra knowing that you’re ok. Kahit alam kong sobrang sakit, if losing you will be part of my struggle, I will let you go. It’s not that I don’t have a choice but because I always prayed for your happiness.

That time ang dami kong nararamdaman but PAIN comes in first. I decided to let go of Alma because I’m getting married with Katez pero hindi ko alam kung bakit mas nasasaktan ako. Have I made the right decision? Have I lived my life fair enough? Naging totoo ba ako sa sarili ko?…

Last week, Katez and I got married. I was smiling during our ceremony but forgive me if I’d say that I have Alma Lazaro on my mind as it happened. Sana matigil na. Sana makalimutan ko na siya. Sana mawala na. Sana hindi na kami magkita ulit. Sana she’d be happier now. Sana hindi siya nahihirapan katulad ko. Sana she’d also wish the best for me & Katez. Sana matuto na akong magtiwala. Sana she’d learn to let go that fast. Sana she can still forgive me. And sana she’d still meet someone far better than me.

I still love her… SOBRA. Hindi ko kasi ata matatanggap if she’ll be with the wrong person. Mas masakit lalo saking tanggapin yun. Kung mapupunta lang din siya sa walang kwenta, SANA AKO NA LANG, ako na lang ang kasama niya.